How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Wii

Over and over in online parenting circles, especially autism-parenting circles, I see moms posting things like, "My child loves video games, so I limit how much he  plays with them/ I took it away from him/ I let him play it only on the weekends/ etc".

My son is 12, and since his first GameBoy when he was 5, he's been extremely passionate about video games. Yes, I said "passionate," and not "obsessive." When I get really really into a topic, I also think about it constantly and I also want to do it as much as I can. Usually I get it out of my system and find a happy medium, but sometimes, as in with music, I remain passionate about it indefinitely, and no one criticizes me for being passinoate. "Passionate" is how we describe ADULTS who love an activity. Why is it that when our children love something, it's called an "obsession"? That's such a disparaging way to talk about something that brings a child a lot of joy.

I used to think the same way. *I* didn't understand my son's passion for video games and I too disparaged it and used it against him. I "limited" it (he thought about it all day anyway), I would take it away when he did something I disapproved of (he developed extreme anxiety about it and resented me intensely) and I would also impose what *I* thought he should be doing with his free time over what he, as a human being with a right to determine his own preferences for how he spends his free time, chose to do. I disparaged him and his joy for these games so much, in retrospect, just because I didn't get it. I regret that very much now.

Then one day, seeing I was trying to move a mountain, I sat down next to him and started playing them with him.

I discovered a few things:

1. Video games today are incredibly fun. These are not the hokey, lame 8-color mindless nonsense we used to play as children. Many of these games today are fully-realized worlds with interesting backstories, richly drawn characters and complex plots. And the graphics on a lot of them are STUNNING. Attention to detail is meticulous.

2. Video games are very educational. To beat LEGO Indiana Jones, for example (a current favorite), you need to know a little history, and engage in strategy and deductive reasoning. A LOT of them use math. My son has Wii Music - easily one of the best games on the market - and because of what he's learned, he can now name over 20 percussive instruments, knows all about the orchestra, has lengthy experience with musical arrangement, has learned to identify dozens of classical pieces, and recently corrected me about the difference between a xylophone and a glockenspiel. Did I mention I minored in music in college? :) We have a lot of Wii games that are GREAT for physical fitness too - for both of us.

3. Video games help tremendously with motor skills. Hand-eye coordination for sure, and the Wii Fit has improved my son's sense of balance and muscle tone to a marked and noticeable degree. And before we had a drum kit for the Rock Band titles, my son used to be able to sing on rhythm and clap off rhythm at the same time. LOL!!! I didn't even know it was physically possible to do that!! The drum kit and other music games have cured him of this. Now he has great rhythm - can clap on rhythm, play the drums fairly well, and even dance. ;) All thanks to video games.

4. Video games are a gateway to innumerable other interests. Because of Guitar Hero and Rock Band and Wii Music, my son eventually grew passionate about music too and is now gleefully pursuing how to play both the piano and the guitar. He has taught himself music theory and writes songs every day. He has taken an interest in DJing with Internet playlists, which has a decided social advantage. Other kids are amazed at how much he knows about both music and video games, and at his youth group, our youth pastor allows him to "DJ" their games and gatherings with his iPod. This has helped the other kids get to know him better, as he shows off his diverse tastes and his terrific sense of humor. Recently during a youth group game where the children had to run around and grab at each other's hands, my son DJed and picked the Beatles' "I Want To Hold Your Hand." LOL!! He learned that song playing Beatles Rock Band. The other kids thought he was hilarious for it, and he felt so good about himself afterwards. It was a joy to see.

Other interests and info he's picked up from video games: creative writing (he writes stories about the characters); history and archaeology (from Indiana Jones!); economics (Animal Crossing: City Folk has a whole economy built-in to the game); computer animation; stop-motion animation and design; film-making and editing (he got a flip camera for Christmas and it's been non-stop filming); robots... I could go on here, but the point is, video games often DO introduce a child to a bunch of different topics.

And even if they don't - the video game industry is HUGE! If this is your child's only calling in life (doubtful, but not impossible), there is a ready, eager and ever-expanding job market out there waiting for him.  There is no limit whatsoever to niches he can pursue as viable, well-paying careers in the computer animation and design field.

And the most important thing I learned:

5. Video games help me connect with my son. As soon as I stopped fighting him on his deep love for his games, and sat next to him and started asking him questions about the game, what he liked about it, what the object was, what this meant, etc... my son's face lit up and he started yammering away excitedly - and hasn't stopped. Now he actively shares his love and interest in video games with me because instead of me frowning and saying "Wouldn't you rather do something PRODUCTIVE???" or something equally judgmental and negative, he knows I will get all excited about it too, and give him space to talk about it.

I now look through catalogues, game manuals and gaming magazines with him and he will share all kinds of ideas, desires and opinions that he used to just keep to himself. I play right along with him now, too; I'm mostly horrible at them... but this builds confidence in that he's amazing at something he can teach ME about. I still don't love video games, but I do love how much my son loves them, and that's good enough for both of us. (I ask, "Do you still think it's fun to play with me even though I completely reek at every game we play?" and he says, reassuringly, in that funny innocent way that doesn't know he's accidentally agreeing that I reek: "Don't worry, Mom, you'll get better with more practice!" LOL.) It has helped me develop trust and rapport with him in a way that I was actively *preventing* before, when I was imposing what I thought he "should" be doing.

I remember when I was a child, I was passionate about two things: writing and musical theater. My family actively discouraged me in both of these as passions because they were "impractical" and I was "so smart" that, being well-meaning and wanting me to be financially secure and their version of successful, they believed I should pursue something "productive" like law or medicine. Well, I didn't grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer despite the constant discouragement away from the arts.  I grew up to be first an unhappy child who felt no one understood or supported her or cared about the things that made her happy and secretly stayed up to listen to Broadway showtunes on her Walkman; then a teenager who snuck around to play in a band and took 5 music electives in senior year; then a college student who willingly became a starving artist as she pursued her loves with a great burden of sadness because it wasn't something she could share with her loved ones; and then an adult professional freelance writer, who still loves the theater and, at 35, still sings locally and tries out for local productions.

You can't change what your child loves passionately by fighting him, shaming him or blocking access to it. You can only makehim stop telling you about it. You can only damage the trust between you, and alienate him and make him feel like no one understands what brings him joy. And then he will grow into a person that just assumes you don't get *anything* that's important to him. And he'll seek out that feeling of belonging and acceptance elsewhere - with people who almost certainly do not love him as much as you do.

I treat my son's "obsession" with video games with complete respect now. Because I think my life would have been very different if my family had been non-judgmental about my passions, and recently, after seeing that their criticism and sabotaging didn't detract from my interest in "impractical" life callings, they too have acknowledged this, and wish they had done things very differently. I don't want this kind of relationship between me and my son. I don't want regrets like that. I don't want an active part in making him unnecessarily unhappy and alienated. So I do things differently, and I think it has really, really paid off.

My 12yo son, at an age where kids typically become sullen and alienated, is open, chatty and affectionate with me. We hardly ever argue anymore, because I have made our priority getting along and finding ways to have a peaceful, mutually respectful relationship. We have a lot of laughs and have a lot of fun together now, and where before he used to keep a million secrets from me and be reluctant to tell me things that he enjoyed, he now shares everything he comes across with me. I really think the fact that I stopped judging video games was a huge first leap.

I really urge parents to reconsider the way you view video games or anything else your child is head over heels in love with. I urge you to honestly question what is so scary about that love, and what is the worst thing that could happen if he was allowed to indulge in it to his heart's desire. I urge you to instead try to view it as a bridge to connect with your child and understand him better and give him a way to access you - by getting actively involved in that passion. I urge you to say "yes" more often than "no," say "yes" whenever humanly possible, when it comes to your child's passions, instead of constantly seeking to manipulate, deride, criticize and limit them, so that your child sees you not as a frowning unyielding judge but as a ready confidante and an eager partner in helping him achieve things that makes him happy.

I don't mean to attack or offend anyone with these thoughts. I have just seen for myself what a radical difference this change of attitude in me has made, in my son, our home, our homeschool, and our relationship. I hope this helps someone out there transform their relationships with their kids, too.

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