How to Stop Raining on Other People's Parades
Being into philosophy, politics, religion, etc., I'm obviously fine in situations that call for a wide variety of people to express different opinions. I have no problem with vigorous exchanges of ideas. I especially like when someone says something unexpected, or diametrically opposed to my views, particularly when it's expressed in a well-reasoned and civil response. That's how we learn and grow; that's part of why I blog. I like engaging people in dialogue about whatever happens to be on my mind and opening myself to the possibility that others will do the same for me, and the Internet is a great facilitator in that regard.
What I don't like in a conversation is a killjoy. Y'all know what I mean here. The person who feels an overwhelming need to pipe up and be contrary in every. single. conversation.
I'm not saying no one should ever criticize or disagree with each other, because that would be boring and stagnant. I'm saying there are conversations meant to engage people in analysis, and conversations where people are just talking to share in the fun, happiness and joy they're experiencing with others. Some cynical hipster coming along just to pipe up about how much it sucks is not adding anything, merely outing him/herself as someone who can't tell the difference between the two types of conversation. Cue awkward pauses and increasingly desperate attempts at maintaining politeness while re-directing the conversation back to how shiny and fun that one thing was. The worst thing is, invariably, the killjoy will take this as a social cue to provide even more evidence about how much that one thing actually sucks. It is all downhill from there.
I'll give you a few real-life recent examples of the differences between the two.
Example #1. Not a killjoy.
Friend on her blog: LOL YOU GUYS HOW RIDICULOUS IS IT THAT BRISTOL PALIN IS TALKING ABOUT ABSTINENCE I CAN'T EVEN AMIRITE??Me: Hmm. I'm not necessarily a huge Palin family fan, but I don't think it's ridiculous to use your own experiences as a cautionary tale and encourage others to make better choices than you did and I don't really have a problem with her reaching out to her peers in that way.Friend on her blog: But she HAD SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE! Hipocrisyyyyy!!! Insert all manner of sexist slut-shaming which apparently is 100% acceptable behavior to some as long as said slut is a Republican lololol!!!!!Me: You can believe in an ideal and acknowledge that you yourself haven't upheld it perfectly. In fact, mightn't that make a person more accessible to their peers rather than a "perfect" person speaking from an ivory tower?Friend on blog: OMG whatever, Bristol is totally stupid like her mom and you are NO FUN, goes back to linking my blog post all over DailyKos where it is APPRECIATED. :((((((
I don't bring this up because I feel strongly about Bristol Palin one way or the other (I totally don't), but as a recent example of a conversation I've had with a few people, wherein they felt that anyone coming along and offering calm, reasoned input to their public engagement of dialogue was incredibly offensive just because said facts derailed whatever witticism or point of genius for which they were angling. These are broad, non-personal topics, and throwing them out there on the Internet is interpreted by most people as opening yourself to people's actual opinions. And I just feel like if you can't take the heat, don't blog in a political kitchen.
Example #2: Actual killjoy, displaying the approximate social skills of a drunk rhinoceros.
Me: I can't wait to see the new Robin Hood movie!Friend #1: Me too, it looks so well done and I love Russell Crowe!Friend #2: Oh, he's wonderful, and it's my favorite historical era!Me: One of mine too, and Ridley Scott - I've been a fan literally all my life.Friend #1: I'm going with my mom soon, I can't wait!Friend #3: Russell Crowe is a jerk who has the galling nerve to not tolerate idiotic interviewers. I find that morally reprehensible. As a result, seeing him on screen makes me want to projectile vomit and so I refuse to see Robin Hood. Also it got horrible reviews on RottenTomatoes.Me, Friends 1& 2: ........Friend #2: Well, yeah... anyway, um, how about that Vampire Diaries finale?Me: Oooh. It was a great and very well-paced finale to a consistent season.Friend #1: Who knew Ian Somerhalder would turn out to be such a powerhouse?Me: I did! It's a fact long obscured by how spectacularly pretty he is, but he can act.Friend #2: But the whole cast is really good. They really elevate the material.Friend #3: Um, are you all seriously talking about a show on the CW? Because, he he he, last I checked, everything on that network is made of equal parts trash and fail, and like, The Vampire Diaries? Really? If I wanted to subject myself to badly acted cliches about vampires for a whole season, I would just watch Twilight once a week, which, needless to say, is also offensive to the fabric of Western Civilization. I watched like 4 minutes of the pilot and was able to realize immediately it was pure garbage, come on.
Yeah, see, I'm just going to keep it real and lay it out there: if you're often in the position of Friend #3, pretty much everyone hates you. After a few run-ins with you, everyone who knows you censors themselves, because they know from experience that as soon as anyone starts talking about something they absolutely love, you're going to swoop in, like Godzilla stomping out of the Atlantic ready to devour Tokyo.
I don't like the TV show, Doctor Who. I'm not interested in it, and what little I've seen doesn't appeal to me, for many reasons. Yet approximately 95% of my friends online who like to talk about TV absolutely love and to varying degrees are obsessed with Doctor Who. Whenever someone pipes up on Twitter or Facebook or wherever gushing about it, do I feel the need to pipe up with how it's the worst show ever (disclaimer: it's not the worst show ever) and blah blah blah? No. I just scroll right along, because people are entitled to enjoy things I do not. If I'm asked what I think about the show, I'll certainly give my honest opinion, but unsolicited critiques about things people do for fun are usually not appreciated.
I think there is usually a not-so-subtle difference between analytical pieces meant to engender exchanges of varying points of view, and stuff where people just want to gush about something that makes them happy with like-minded people. The former is implicitly asking for feedback and the latter is implicitly asking for communality, and while I don't think fangirling is critically untouchable, I think, at the very least, it's a valuable social skill to be able to differentiate between the two.
Fortunately I don't have too much of a problem with this in my everyday life. Oh, I've met plenty of killjoys in my time, but if I feel like I have to avoid saying "I love _____!" because you're going to gleefully jump up and say "No, ____ is PURE CRAP!" then you and I aren't going have a lot to say to each other for very long. It's just something I've noticed for a while and wanted to get my thoughts about it out there.
And yes, this is one of the analytical kinds of dialogues, not the fangirling kind, so you're all free to tell me how wrong I am in this post. :D
